You've heard the phrase, "So-and-so is a really nice person," and probably thought nothing of it. I've thought a lot about what it means to be "really nice" as I see a major distinction between being nice and being genuinely kind.
I’ve come to realize that these two words are very different when it comes to intention. Being nice is a self-centered behavior that only comes with the intent of pleasing others. We are only nice in order for people to like us. In comparison, kindness is selfless, acting on the best interest of others.
Don’t believe me. Look for yourself. We can Google the definition of both these words to see the difference.
Nice/nīs/adjective
1. pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory.
kind/kīnd/adjective
Kind/kīnd/adjective
1. having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature.
You might thing think that these two definitions are the same, but there are two keywords that make them different. The first is agreeable. When people are nice, they are only doing so to conform to others agree to be nice. In comparison, we see the word nature in the definition for kind, which means that this friendliness, this generosity comes from within regardless of outside influences. Kind people doesn’t conform but acts in love based on their genuine love for their people.
Kindness emerges from someone who's confident, compassionate and comfortable with themselves. A kind person is loving and giving out of the goodness of their heart.
At the root of extreme niceness, however, are feelings of inadequacy and the need to get approval and validation from others. Overly-nice people try to please so that they can feel good about themselves.
The idea of being nice comes from our tribal ancestry. You can also see it in animals that survive in packs or groups today. The weakest individual in the pack is basically required to be nice to his/her superior in order to survive. If not, they risk being left behind by the group. Another word for nice in this case is submissive.
Let’s take it to the group dynamics that we might share in everyday life. If you have a leader that tends “kill” everyone he/she doesn’t like, the typical response is to be nice to this person. We please this person so that we get on his/her good side. If we eventually become friends with this person, it’s less likely that we're ostracized by the leader. We might even gain power by association. Can you see how being nice is rooted in fear?
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized why girls don’t like nice guys (SIMPS) and why we have sayings like, “nice guys finish last.” Being nice is a form of manipulation. If you’re forever agreeable with a potential date, your niceness is simply a manipulation to get the person across the table to like you. They can smell the inauthenticity all over you. Worst, they can smell the fear. That’s the worst type of body odor.
Genuinely kind people are giving because it's in their nature to care, and since they have no ulterior motives, they aren't concerned with whether or not other people like them.
Kind people can be assertive and set good limits. Nice people, on the other hand, bend over backward to be obliging. They deal with potential conflicts by placating the other person because they can't bear to have anyone upset with them.
Nice people are dishonest. Being nice usually involves being submissive to the will of another person, or society as a whole. When we are nice, we tend to hide our true self and our true expression. We only express what others want us to express.
The dishonesty in the terms of being nice can cause great evil. I love super hero movies. When you look at the super villain in most of these movies, you know their intention. At their core, a person can be selfish, greedy, and have a desire for power, but they are also honest about it. You, as a person, can either agree with that person, or not because you know what this person is about. A nice person that also has the same evil intentions hides in the shadows of evilness, so people see the surface level, but not the desire behind his/her motives. The worst type of super villain is one that makes you believe that he/she is good.
Kind people have good self-esteem and because they love themselves as much as they care about others, they expect to be treated with respect. Nice people are desperate for approval, so they're often mistreated or taken advantage of.
Nice people tend to do too much for those who don't deserve it and are easy prey for users. They get into co-dependent relationships in which they care-take others in the hopes of eventually being cared for themselves.
This co-dependent interaction, however, is a lose-lose for everyone involved. The nice person fails to get the love and approval they seek, and the person on the receiving end never feels like they're getting enough care. Instead of being grateful, they become resentful toward the pleaser.
Going back to the definitions, we see that niceness is typically used for personal gain. However, kindness comes from the human instinct to support. This is what we call compassion. When we talk about kindness, our initial thought is helping others. Kindness can also mean have compassion towards oneself.
When we become more of the world, that’s when we become more kind. Empathy is a key ingredient in kindness as compassion is a byproduct of empathy. Kindness is the emotional urge to help someone who is suffering. Emotion is not easily found in our world. That’s why it’s so easy to talk about niceness. It’s easy to articulate because it’s purely logical. People may not know how to be kind, or what kindness even is because they’ve never had the emotional experience. It’s the only way to learn it.
Kind people take responsibility for their own self-care. They're generous, even altruistic, but don't get caught up in a user-pleaser type of relationship.
The nice person is careful not to offend anyone and wouldn't dream of expressing a "negative" emotion. They focus on being good to others, to the detriment of their own needs. In fact, they're afraid to ask for what they want for fear of creating conflict.
Nice people stuff down their feelings, not wanting to be a bother to anyone, but the problem with this is
that emotions can't be kept down indefinitely. Feelings and needs are meant to be expressed and when they're repressed, they find another outlet. Being nice, then, has unforeseen consequences: it's painful to seek affirmation but receive contempt. Always holding back needs, feelings and opinions adds to their frustration. Ultimately, the frustration grows into anger, but showing this anger is unacceptable to someone so invested in always being pleasant. They're compelled to suppress any "bad" feelings.
As the nice person continues to please everyone and the anger simmers underneath the surface, the pressure builds up. At some point emotions begin to leak, in the form of snarky comments, whining, needling, sarcasm, passive-aggressive behaviour or even outbursts of rage. When a nice person leaks resentment it's usually met with surprise or with more anger, which reinforces their belief that anger should never be expressed. A vicious circle is created in which the nice person pleases others, becomes resentful, represses and then leaks their anger and then represses their feelings some more.
The nice person is overly-invested in the emotional pay-off they're hoping to achieve by pleasing and taking care of others. They're also unwilling to face how much hurt or anger they're carrying. They're resistant to changing their behaviour, despite the consequences of their compensatory addictions.
Kind people are happy people to begin with, and add to their happiness through acts of generosity and altruism. Nice people are needy people who inadvertently create more and more unhappiness for themselves.
The nice person has to understand that their self-worth can never be improved by being a pleaser. They must learn how to validate themselves independently of others, and let go of the co-dependent relationships which foster mutual animosity.
When the overly-nice person can let go of the urge to please, they'll be able to identify their real needs and feelings and begin to take proper care of themselves. They can find happiness in pursuing meaningful activities and relationships instead of giving too much, becoming resentful and developing nasty addictions along the way.
With that being said, let’s make this distinction between being kind and being nice. By being nice, you are helping people who don’t really need your help to get things that they don’t really need. When you’re kind, you are helping people who really need your help. Being nice is usually directed towards someone who already has power, however kindness is directed towards people who don’t have the power to help themselves. By giving the homeless person food, you you’ve helped replenish energy and end hunger for the time being. By spending time with the elderly, you give them sense of comfort in their last years. When you stand up against discrimination, you give a voice to someone who may not have one. You service was valuable, and you’ve given power to someone who could use it.
Being nice comes with the expectation of reciprocation. We are only nice to authority, so that they are nice to us. Kindness doesn’t ask for reciprocity. In most cases, the person receiving kindness isn’t in a place where they can give back. Being nice doesn’t come with fulfillment. When it comes to kindness, it is better to give than it is to receive. The act of kindness becomes a reward in of itself.
References
Tags:
Psychology